Let me guess who you are.
Maybe something in your body said hello lately. You are not sure what it means.
Maybe you have had wonderful orgasms for twenty years. Is that the whole menu? You wonder quietly.
Maybe sex has been complicated for a long time. You would like a kinder way back in.
Maybe you are twenty-six, or sixty-eight, or eighty-one. People keep telling you this part of life is over or not yet started. You are tired of hearing it.
You are all in the right place. Nobody here is ahead of anybody else. I mean that.
One more thing, and then we begin. This book says your pleasure belongs to you. Maybe you share your bed. Maybe you share your life.
Maybe you share only your afternoons. This book takes no side between partnered and alone. It argues for choosing. It also argues for knowing your options.
Here is the big idea, and then I will get out of your way.
Most of us learned almost nothing about our own pleasure. We found one corner of it, usually by accident. We stayed there. It worked well enough, and nobody handed us a map of the rest.
This book is the map. It is also a friend. She walks you around the neighborhood and points out the places you missed. She lets you wander off on your own, and she is perfectly happy about it.
You have my permission to skip around. Do you know your body well? Go straight to the fun parts.
Every part of this book stands on its own. Try a few things, then give the basics a second look. Experienced readers describe a very different second read.
Why Dress For Caress
You may know the old advice to dress for success. Put on the right suit, and the world treats you differently. The idea behind it is that clothes make the man.
This book borrows the phrase and bends it. Dress for caress.
A caress is different. There is no success or failure in a caress. It is what it is. It always feels good.
It may lead somewhere. It may not.
But a caress is always a pleasure.
So we dress for it. Soft cotton, silk, or lace. Whatever feels good against your skin.
Nothing to take off, and nothing to prove.
The House
Think of this book as a house.
Walk in the front door and you are in the Doorway. Here, something is going on, and you notice. Down the hall is the Living Room. Here you learn to recognize arousal and invite it to stay.
Next comes the Bedroom, and pleasure peaks there. Then comes the Studio. There you build strength, range, and a set of muscles. They matter enormously, and nobody mentioned it.
Then there is a staircase. Upstairs you will find the Terrace. There you play with less and less touch.
Next is the Sky Room. Some women find pleasure there. It needs almost nothing but attention.
Upstairs is the equal of downstairs. It is only less common and a little more patient. Plenty of women live happily on the ground floor for their whole lives. That is a complete and delightful way to live in this house.
Every room is a place to stay. Wander freely. Change rooms at any time, in either direction, for the rest of your life.
Who This Book Is For
Women. All of us, with all our differences. Single, partnered, married, newly divorced, widowed, or happily unattached.
Lovers of men, lovers of women, lovers of both, and women still working it out. Women with a lot of experience and women with very little. Women with no orgasms yet and women with thousands. Women in their twenties and women in their eighties.
Has your life changed lately? Maybe through a baby, a loss, a medication, a menopause, a move, or a long stretch of exhaustion. This book is for you too.
Bodies change, and pleasure changes with them. The skills in these pages travel with you.
Have you ever been hurt? Has sex been tangled up with fear? You are welcome here, and you set the pace.
This book asks you for safe things only. You can put it down at any page and pick it up next year.
What You Might Get Out Of It
A lot is on offer. Take all of it or none of it. You decide.
More ease in your own skin. A clearer idea of your likes, and the words to say them out loud. Stronger muscles sound boring but turn out to be fun. A wider range of pleasure, including kinds with very little touch, or none.
More confidence in bed and outside it. Better sex with a partner, or a better friendship with yourself in solo seasons.
And a set of skills for life. Pleasure is trainable, like a language or a swing.
What can I promise? No guarantees, and I will say so every time. Some women report the fancier things, and nobody has a count.
I will label every idea, solid fact or good guess. Try anything here and you are doing it right.
I will repeat this sentence often. It matters. This book is about experience. I am a woman.
I have learned a great deal from other women, and I want to pass it on. Does something physical hurt and refuse to ease? Then it deserves a look from someone qualified. For everything else, you have a trusted friend, a sister, a mother, and now, I hope, this book.
One more thing, and then we go in.
We are going to talk about parts of your body. Most of us never got comfortable words for them. So here is how this book works.
Every part gets its proper name once. Then you know exactly what is what. From then on, we use the friendlier word. It is the word for a close friend over a glass of wine.
Your clitoris, the small and extraordinary center of pleasure, becomes your button. Your pleasure button works too. You can see only the tip, a little piece of the whole. Its name sounds small, but the whole thing is far bigger.
Your vagina becomes your kitty.
The folds around it are your lips. Just lips. Their official names are the labia majora, for the outer lips, and the labia minora, for the inner lips.
Pee leaves your body through a tiny opening. Its proper name is the urethra. We will call it your pee hole.
Your anus becomes your rosebud.
The G-spot is simply G.
The whole area has plenty of gentle names. Try the neighborhood, down there, below the belt, between your legs, between your thighs, or your secret place. They all mean the same thing. Pick your favorite and smile.
These words are for comfort. Plenty of women have their own words. Use yours with my blessing.
How We Keep Everyone Safe
A few ground rules run through the whole book. I would rather say them now than leave them as a surprise.
Only your yes counts. It can turn into a no at any moment, with no explanation. Nothing here is a test, and nothing here is a performance.
Any activity with another person starts with a clear, enthusiastic agreement in advance. It also needs a silly stop word, such as “pineapple.” Anyone can use it to end things at once.
Other people in public places did not agree to join your private life. So the few out-and-about exercises are quiet, invisible, and entirely hands-free. Anything more waits for a door with a lock.
And pleasure should never hurt. Does something sting, ache, or go numb? Stop, breathe, and take it to someone qualified.
Why Clothes On
Almost everything in these pages happens with a layer of fabric in place. The layer might be a favorite pair of jeans. It might be the thinnest, silkiest pair of panties.
Leggings and a cozy shirt will do. You can stay fully dressed, and you perform for no one. This is the signature of the book, and it has three reasons.
It makes starting easy. You can begin on your sofa. It fits real life. Most of our lives happen dressed.
And it trains the very skills behind the most advanced kinds of pleasure.
Let me say it clearly. Clothes-on is a direction. Fingers on flesh are wonderful. So is a toy on bare skin.
So is a quick slide of your panties to one side at the right moment. Women do all of that, discreetly and happily. Everyone here is welcome to.
Clothes-on is simply the road this book walks. Most women never saw the whole length of it. You can step off at any time. Many of you will.
The title is a small joke on “dress for success.” Dress for Caress. You will see.
Three Ways To Read
The scenic route. Start at the beginning and walk through the house in order, one small Dare at a time.
The map first. Take the Pleasure Map, find your room, and settle in.
The buffet. Dip in anywhere. Most sections stand alone, and plenty were written for five minutes with a cup of tea.
A Month Of Days
This book is organized as a month. Each chapter is one Day, thirty-one in all. Each Day has a short reading and a small experiment. The pace is easy.
Follow it one Day at a time, or a Day a week. Or take it in bursts with long, pleasant pauses, like most of us.
Skipping loses nothing. Is a Day wrong for you, or wrong for today? Turn the page. Hurried pleasure is a different thing from allowed pleasure, and this book sits firmly on the side of allowed.
Each Day ends with a one-line Log. That is a few words in a notebook. Write about the room you were in, the word you chose, or the thing you noticed. It sounds like homework, but it is a treat.
In a few weeks, your log becomes the most interesting book you own. It is all about you.
What You Will Need
Almost nothing. A little privacy, a door to close, and ten quiet minutes. Something comfortable to wear.
A pen and a small notebook for the Log. A blanket, a cushion, or a towel for a few of the Days.
Some chapters mention toys, music, scents, or books. Every one of them is optional. You can get a full experience from this book without buying anything, and nobody here is selling you a thing.
One suggestion is free. Put your phone in another room. A body does astonishing things in a buzz-free room.
How To Begin
Not sure where to start? Start with Day 1. It is short, gentle, and mostly about noticing.
Read it with a cup of something warm. Try the small Dare at the end, or skip it. Write a line in the Log.
Then check in with your feelings. Want more? Go on to Day 2.
Want to go somewhere else? Check the Contents and follow your curiosity. There is no wrong door.
You are right on time. There is nothing to catch up on.
Dares And Stories
You will meet a few things again and again.
The Dare is a tiny, private experiment. Try it tonight, or tomorrow, or never. Skip any Dare you like. Your decision is the right decision.
The Naughty Encore is a slightly more playful extra. It comes at the end of many days. Use it to stay a little longer. It is always optional, and always a dare, never a duty.
The stories are scenes and snapshots from women’s lives. Some are funny and some are steamy. They read like a good romance novel.
They are part of the teaching. Anticipation, imagery, and a little heat are some of the best teachers around. Everyone in them is an adult, and everyone wanted what happened.
Some of the sexier, more intimate material lives elsewhere, on a companion website called the Private Wing. It is an adult-only part of the house. Enter by choice. It holds more stories, audio, and exercises for hands and imagination alike.
The book is complete in itself. The Private Wing is open for a visit at any time.
This book is written for adults, 18 and over. Are you younger? You did nothing wrong by finding it, and your curiosity is completely normal.
Some of this is best saved for later. Some of it is worth talking over now with someone you trust. Try your mom, an older sister, an aunt, or a friend with plenty of laps around the block.
There are good books and websites made for your age. A doctor, a school nurse, or a trusted librarian can point you to them.
About Your Narrator
I write under a pen name, and I will tell you why. This is an intimate subject. The people in these pages deserve privacy. I do too.
Here is what I can tell you. I am an American in my thirties. My younger sisters ask me questions. I answer with a straight face, and then I repeat the questions to my friends right away.
I grew up knowing nothing about any of this. I have lived and traveled in Europe and Southeast Asia. I saw women taught to think about their bodies in very different ways. Some lessons were frank and relaxed, and some were guarded and modest.
I came home sure of one thing. Nobody has the final word. In college I started experimenting, a little and then a lot.
I learned by trial, laughter, and a few mistakes. I will gladly confess to them later.
My authority is curiosity. Many women have trusted me with their stories.
A Note On The Stories
The stories in this book are composites. They blend many women, many conversations, and imagination. Every story is about invented people.
A real reader’s words appear only with her permission. All identifying details are changed. Her words are marked as hers.
One Last Thing
You are right on time. You are exactly where you need to be. You are doing it beautifully.
Every reader has a room here. It will make you smile. Let us go find it.
Turn the page, and walk in.