Warming Up The Room

In a meditation hall in Chiang Mai, I once lasted about ninety seconds.

The teacher was a small, serene woman in orange. She said, in a voice like warm tea, “Simply notice your breath.”

I noticed my breath. Then I noticed my left foot asleep. Then I started composing a grocery list.

I weighed two kinds of cheese. Suddenly I was somewhere else entirely.

I opened one eye. The teacher was looking straight at me, and she smiled. “Welcome back,” she said.

I have thought about those two words almost every week since. They turned out to be the whole secret. The art is coming back.

Nobody manages to stay. We wander off and return, again and again, with a smile.

That is the skill at the heart of arousal too. Mostly it comes down to your attention’s address. Here we learn to lead it home.

Arousal Is The Skill

Let me say the central thing first. It changes everything else.

Arousal is the skill. Orgasm is one possible result.

Most of us were taught the reverse. We learned to treat arousal as a short, dull corridor for hurrying to the main event. Without the main event, the whole experience counted as a miss.

That is a miserable way to live in a body. It quietly trains you to feel disappointed by something delightful.

Try seeing it the other way around. Arousal is the room itself, with its warmth and its slow pleasures. Orgasm is one of several things waiting there, along with the glow, the melting, the laughter, and the sense of your own skin as a lovely place to live.

Some days you walk out with a peak. Some days you walk out simply warmer and softer than you came in. Both are a success.

Learning this often brings the peaks more easily. It makes a kind of sense. The deadline disappears, and the brakes lift.

Attention Is The Accelerator

Researchers have noticed a pattern, and women tell me the same thing over and over.

Sex therapists have long used a gentle approach called sensate focus. The idea is to touch, or be touched, simply for sensation. The goal is only noticing.

It sounds almost too simple. It works by training attention to rest on the body and stay there.

More recently, researchers have studied mindfulness, the practice of paying attention to the present moment with a kind, steady curiosity. In their findings, women with trained attention often report greater awareness of their own arousal and more satisfaction.

The research is still growing, and nobody should promise miracles. But it fits the experience of most of us.

Attention works as an accelerator. Arousal needs notice to grow. An ignored flicker of warmth fades. A flicker met with curiosity tends to widen.

It is rather like a plant. It responds to being noticed.

Attention is a skill, so it improves with practice, just like a muscle.

The Long Exhale

Now for the simplest tool in the whole book. It travels everywhere.

Your breath is the one steerable part of your nervous system. Slow breathing, and especially a long out-breath, sends your body a signal of safety. The brakes ease off. That explains the joy of a deep sigh.

Here is how it goes.

• Breathe in through your nose, slowly, for a count of four. Let your belly rise.
• Breathe out through your mouth, even more slowly, for a count of six. Let any sound come out.
• Do that five times.

That is the Long Exhale. It takes about a minute, and no one in the room needs to know about it. You can try it in a meeting, a waiting room, or a queue at the pharmacy. Over time, your body links that breath with softening, and it begins to soften on cue.

Women often tell me about their first real shift in arousal. It happens on an exhale. The body lets go, and something warm rushes in to fill the space.

The Watcher In The Corner

Now meet someone familiar.

Sex researchers have a lovely word for this, spectatoring. It means watching yourself from the outside, like an audience member at your own life.

How do I look? Am I doing it right? Is this taking too long? What is my face doing?

The Watcher sits in the corner with a clipboard and scribbles notes. She means well. She wants you to be safe and to look wonderful.

But she is busy judging the performance. Meanwhile you are somewhere else entirely, and your attention has left the building.

Almost every woman has a Watcher. The most confident, the most experienced, and the most adventurous all have one. She never goes away. Your handling of her changes.

The trick has three small steps, and they take a few seconds.

• Notice. “Oh, there she is, with her clipboard.”
• Name. Say it kindly, in your head. “Watching.”
• Return. Bring your attention back to a sensation. Your breath. The warmth in your hands. The weight of your body in the chair.

Notice, name, return. That is the whole technique. The teacher in Chiang Mai taught me the same thing with two words. A good mind does the same thing thousands of times a day, with no fuss.

A small secret. Give the Watcher a job, and she quiets down a great deal. Ask her to count your breaths, or to notice the temperature of the room. Even an inner critic enjoys being useful.

A Little Imagination

I will keep this brief.

Imagination is an accelerator, and an extraordinary one. It needs no equipment, and it travels with you. For now, know one thing. A little imagery goes a long way.

Picture a warm light, a favorite place, a memory of feeling wonderfully at home in your skin. Let it be vivid, with colors and temperatures and sounds. Make it small or grand.

You are simply lending your attention a pleasant place to stand.

The Fabric Hello

Now for something to do with your hands.

This is a short, fully clothed self-massage, and it is a very gentle introduction to touch. It stays on your belly, your hips, your thighs, and your lower back. It is a friendly hello to the ground floor of your body, and it takes about eight minutes.

Wear something soft. Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable. A pillow under your knees is welcome.

• Start with your belly. Place both hands flat on your lower belly, over your clothes. Breathe slowly and feel your hands rise and fall. After a minute, begin slow circles, clockwise, with a gentle, even pressure.
• Move to your hips. Rest your palms on the sides of your hips, on top of the bone. Let your fingers curve around. Press softly, then release, like smoothing a pillow.
• Greet your thighs. Slide your hands along the tops of your thighs, from your hips toward your knees, with long, slow strokes. Do it several times. Notice the fabric under your palms, and the building warmth.
• Say hello to your lower back. Roll to one side, or sit forward, and bring your hands to your lower back. Make slow circles with your knuckles or the heels of your hands. Lean into them a little.
• Finish with stillness. Return your hands to your belly. Breathe. Take a full minute to notice the warmth, the tingling, and the sense of having been visited.

Here you are simply saying hello, one area at a time, to a body long overdue for the greeting. A flush of warmth or a stirring is wonderful. Pleasant sleepiness is wonderful. Everything counts.

Go slowly, and let your attention follow your hands.